Don't Let Anyone Define You

When I started writing this week’s column, my intended audience was young people just starting out, whether it be in the music industry, broadcasting, or any other field.

As I wrote though, I realized that we can all think of someone, past or present, who was in a position of authority who we LET HAVE authority over our self-worth, our place in the world, and our dreams and aspirations

Sadly, many demographics suffer from this more than others.

However, on some level the shaming and being made to feel "less than" happens to all of us all. It's done by family, society, advertising, teachers, and bosses starting from the time we are children.

The other day I thought about a few of the many things that were said to me from age 8 to age 40 by different authority figures in my life. Teachers, bosses, casting directors, and advisors were just a few of the people I had looked up to.

Some examples:

Drums are for boys. (Music teacher)
You have no stage presence. (Acting teacher)
You are not ready for major market radio (PD after hearing my demo and calling me in for an in-person interview)
You are not the prettiest girl in the room. (Casting Director)
No offense, but we only called you in for the audition because we needed a "mature woman" (Casting Agent when I was 34)
You won't succeed in news because you sound like a character of a newsperson. (A former boss)

These statements may seem innocuous at first, but at the time, I took them to heart.

I didn't believe them BEFORE they were said to me, but once they were, I thought they HAD to be true because someone in a power position said them.

I felt both ashamed of my lack of worthiness and shamed BY the fact that I had the audacity to not know my place. I initially took these words, and I limited my life choices and actions based on who and what people in power told me I could and couldn't be. I let them define me and dictate the decisions I made moving forward.

I did that until I didn't anymore, and that's when everything changed.

I am all for constructive, healthy criticism, given with good intent to guide, teach and help.

What I'm not for is small thinking, stereotypes, ego trips, power plays, disparaging remarks spoken by influential people about and to people they influence.

Why break people down, rather than build them up?

People who do this likely won't change, and it says so much more about them than it does about the recipient of their message.

Ultimately, the change is up to us. When it comes to our sense of self-worth, WE are the authority figures, WE hold the power.

I am happy to report that I landed that particular acting job and others, was a radio news reporter on several stations, and got my first of many major market radio jobs just a few weeks after I was told I wouldn't. The only thing I didn't do is learn to play the drums. But there's still time!!

At the end of the day, YOU get to decide both who you are and who you will be.

Never let go of that power.

In the words of Kelly Clarkson, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger…stand a little taller."