The Best Decision I Never Made

Three years ago this week, I begrudgingly left my home in Los Angeles, my job as a full time radio DJ, and pretty much everything I had known for 13 years, and moved to Florida.

I say begrudgingly because this was not how I envisioned things going.

I had worked and fought for so long for my career, for independence, for an identity.

If I'm honest things had not felt right the last few years I was there. Work had become joyless and anxiety filled, my dating life had become toxic, and as more and more of my friends were getting older, settling down and having kids, I was feeling increasing alone.

I pushed these feelings down. I covered them up with parties and loud music, alcohol and cigarettes, and work, work, work.

The feelings would pop up, but I wouldn't let them stay up for long. I was an expert at emotional whack-a-mole.

The Universe is a funny thing.

If you are on the wrong path, if you are not being true to who you are and what your soul needs, it will whisper to you. The more you ignore the whisper the louder it gets. Eventually if you ignore it long enough, it looks you square in the eye, shouts in your face with spittle flying everywhere, and forces you to pay attention.

In my case I had the inkling and disregarded the whisper "this is not your path", for a long time. The Universe kept upping the anti-and giving me bigger and bigger signs which I also ignored.

Eventually The Universe stopped playing games. All the anxiety, working nights and barely sleeping, volatile relationships and mistreatment of my body caught up with me and I developed an auto-immune disease.

I had crippling panic attacks, insomnia for months, a racing heart, horrible joint pain, debilitating fatigue, depression and brain fog.

I could no longer work.

I could barely function.

My older brother and only sibling, said it was time that I moved to Florida to be with family. (My brother and sister-in-law and parents lived there).

I was out of options. I had to go.

I was sad and hopeless. I felt like a failure. I was giving up everything I had worked so hard for and everything I thought defined me.

A year and a half later things were looking up. I was feeling better physically and mentally, I was working part-time (pressure free) in radio with a supportive, fun and nice group of people. I had my family a phone call away if I needed them. I was living in a tropical paradise. I was starting to really LIKE South Florida (gulp).

I lived by the beach. I threw away my high heels. I stopped straightening my hair and getting my nails done (all part of my LA "uniform"). I began writing, making jewelry, enjoying nature again and BREATHING.

I realized that the move was "The Best Decision I Never Made.” The decision was made for me. I had no alternative.

Little did I know how prophetic that statement would be.

A year and a half after I moved here, the world would be changed forever by COVID and political division. I, along with the majority of broadcasters I know, were let go from our radio jobs. The industry that we loved for so long, was no more. Six months after that, my brother and only sibling died suddenly from sudden cardiac arrest.

I don't know what I would have done had I still been in LA for all of these things. I may very well have lost my mind. I sometimes wonder if I would have even survived at all. I also don't know what my very small (now even smaller) family would have done if I were not here. We needed each other and still do now more than ever.

My reason for sharing all of this is the title of the column: "The Best Decision I Never Made".

We don't always know what is best for us. We live our lives on auto-pilot, mindlessly going after jobs, places, things and people that we think will make us happy. We rarely take time out to pause and inventory if we ARE happy, and if these are the things we REALLY want, or if this is just implanted in us from society and outside forces.

We are of The Universe. The Universe and therefore the answers are inside us and all around us. We just have to take the time to listen and not wait for the whispers to turn into shouts. We need to stop trying to force our will onto life and stop resisting what is. We need to start paying more attention. We need to learn how to surrender and trust.

"Say goodbye to Hollywood, Say goodbye my baby". -Billy Joel

Next week we'll talk about taking a leap of faith.