The Paradox of Trying to Surrender

I’ve tried it my way for a long time. I've spent quite a few decades plowing ahead, convinced that if everything went my way, I would be happy.

I’ve had my successes, yet somehow it doesn’t always feel like I’m winning. Happiness tends to be sneaky, slippery and elusive.

So while I’m not giving up, I would like to hand over my power.

I would like to surrender the resistance that pops up when things do not work out the way I think they should.

I would like to deeply understand that my resistance truly is futile.

I would like to fully comprehend that while I can steer the ship in certain directions there are so many variables I can't influence and that I really don’t have any say in the ultimate outcome.

Knowing this, REALLY knowing this, would be a weight off of my shoulders.

But the ego is stubborn. It will hold on and fight trying to maintain the illusion of its control.

Even when I go to bed at night, there it is, not wanting to let go. It is going over lists of things to worry about in the future and it is ruminating about the way things happened in the past.

Clinging always clinging. Even then not wanting to grant me the peace of letting go even for the night. I want to let go. I want to trust the process. I want to surrender. I am TRYING to surrender.

I believe that may be the problem